Although I have a disease that cannot be cured by medicine and surgery, I have experienced countless graces during this journey of illness, and I have seen hope in my illness. In 2018, I was tested for autoimmune diseases, and the index ANA was as high as 2560, which is the highest index, and the average person is less than 80.

At that time, the body part is extremely itchy, which will affect sleep. There is also moderate depression, which requires regular counseling. I have been unable to sleep well in winter. My illness has made me sensitive to temperature. When the cold enters my body, it can’t get out. Even if I wear a lot of clothes, I feel very cold. I can’t stand the air-conditioning of a long-distance flight by plane, and my knuckles are too cold to be comfortable.

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I lost myself in August 2016. For almost a year, I sought psychological counselling once every month. Again and again I wanted to return to the right path, but again and again I went backward to the path that could lead to my ruin.

At the worst moment in this one year, I considered finishing my life from the 30-storey building where my friend lives, but then I was too scared of the pain. In better times I would have many beautiful dreams, dreams of becoming a chef good at both Chinese and western cuisines, dreams of becoming a singer who could touch the listeners’ hearts through my songs, or building an intelligent music website that could list music sheets and audio/video files based on search conditions such as the first line of a song’s melody or lyrics.

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I often listen to Dreamland Children’s Bible Stories with my son. I would like to share two very touching real-life stories with you.

“I’m No Longer Man in a Metal Cage” tells of someone who has been bound by drugs for 14 years. His name is Hong Zheng Dao. Once he fell ill with the flu and a friend introduced him to drugs, and that little try completely ruined him. Every time he felt tired or sick, he went for drugs. He was only found out to drug addicted when he had an accident from taking drugs. After he recovered, his family sent him to a rehabilitation centre. After receiving rehabilitation treatment, Zheng Dao thought he was cured of drug addiction. He went home happily, fully confident that he was no longer dependent on drugs.

To his surprise, soon he started his drug abuse again. His whole body was covered by needle holes, part of his body was gangrenous, and whenever he had a craving, he couldn’t stop himself from smashing things like a wild beast. His mother, in desperation, made him a metal cage and locked him up to stop him from going for drugs again. But the metal cage may be able to restrain him, it could not restrain his drug-controlled heart. Once he broke a metal bar and escaped. While his body found satisfaction in drugs, his heart was filled with guilt and pain. His mother reinforced the metal cage. Zheng Dao’s brother didn’t want to see him spending his whole life in a metal cage. One day, his brother got a gospel rehabilitation leaflet and urged their mother to send Zheng Dao to Taiwan Operation Dawn Gospel Rehabilitation Centre. Their mother hesitated for a long time, but eventually decided to give him one last chance.

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The adage “To seek beauty is a woman’s instinct” has led me through an endless abyss of pain.

When I was 15, my mind had been deeply influenced by the TV shows, movies, entertainment magazines and fashion trends I had been exposed to; I wrongly believed that being tall and slim was the only aesthetic standard. In fact, I had been an athlete who maintained a healthy weight. Because of these wrong values, I ignored my height and frame and blindly pursued a continual quest to reduce my weight. I was obsessed. My moods fluctuated with my weight daily.

Like so many before me, I chose the worst and most ineffective way to lose weight – trying not to eat anything! In fact, with continuous lack of adequate nutrition, the body accumulates fat causing weight gain. Lack of proper nutrition also seriously affects the whole body, bringing more ill health. This includes pre-mature aging, memory loss, bulimia, anorexia, stomach/gastric problems, infertility, depression and so on. I also completely abandoned the basic health principles my primary school teacher had ingrained in us: “Early to bed and early to rise, take a good breakfast, a full lunch, a moderate dinner, balanced, nutrients, six to eight glasses of water, not neglecting to exercise and take good care of your mood.”
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Before I came to know the Lord Jesus, I had no self-control during my youth, but yielded to peer-pressure.  I liked street racing and the thrill of winning races.  Whenever I felt bored and empty, I would ask my friends for a street race.  As I did not abide to traffic law, I simply did not care of other people’s safety.  Although I had a few car accidents, had scratched other cars, and even had been reported to the police station, these did not stop my ego of unsafe driving.

I enjoyed late night gatherings with my friends after supper despite my whole family’s worries about my safety at late night.  Whenever a major festival came, I joined and stayed at wild parties until 4 or 5 in the morning and came home with a pungent smell of cigarette.  In the parties, I watched my friends smoke heavily, get drunk, and have short-term affairs with partners.
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In June 2011, Ruo Xin and I, together with our 2 years old son, arrived in Singapore, where he spent 3 years as an oversea student. Ruo Xin was called by the Lord to be equipped at Singapore Bible College and majored in Master of Divinity.

Upon arriving at our new home, both of us wished that we could  withdraw the lease. The building was 15 years old. With both my parents living with us at the time, the kitchen, living area and all rooms looked very messy. We were quite upset, as we had already signed up the lease for one year. We first learnt about this apartment from a website. After an inspection conducted by my uncle, we decided to take it. At that very night, I prayed to the Lord before going to sleep. I remembered my prayer went like this: We and other brothers and sisters from Living Water Assembly have prayed for our accommodation here for months. How come we ended up with this one? I fell asleep right after praying. Read More